Chapter 11: Lasts

After about 20 chemo treatments with little progress, we reached summer and the need to find a new approach. Jeanette was always a thorough and amazing researcher, and all along the way she had been exploring trials and treatments that were available. I sometimes felt that she may know more than some of the oncology staff, except for how it would actually work on her.

Her matched trial was in Rutgers, NJ so we made the summer road trips pretty predictable back and forth to try our luck in New Brunswick. It’s a cool college town with plenty to walk around and see, but of course her energy wasn’t really up for that. In all, as the summer progressed and neared the fall, we hit a series of “lasts” together. Though I naively didn’t see them like that until it was too late to create more memories. Here are some of those slices:

• Last Car Shopping Experience – God bless her for doing this with me. She again knows how to research, but also how to play hardball with the dealer. My years of playing church softball must make me an easy target for giving in. In fact, when we drove to Altoona to try the model and make that I wanted, I pretty much gushed to the dealer as I handed back the keys. Very smooth, Brackbill! In the end, we found the right fit that made me happy at a rate I could afford, and it became the car of choice to drive to NJ and back and beyond.
• Last trip to the Finger Lakes – We got to a spot near the end of summer where she wanted to do something more fun, so we tried to make one dream a reality for her by booking a boat tour around some Finger Lake Wineries. Turned out we were the only couple on board at that time, and though the rain storms made things less pleasant, will still had a wonderful guide and enjoyed some final sips from wineries.
• Last concert – As part of my funds from my mother’s passing, I wanted to honor her memory with special concerts and trips like she had often given us. So in 2022, I took my son to a John Mayer concert. Our 2024 spring break trip to California was part of my step-son’s dream. And Jeanette had already seen several favs, but still wanted to see P!nk in concert. So, when the tickets came up before Christmas, several of her friends and I secretly planned this trip. Sadly, it became a milestone that she was determined to reach rather than go far beyond. We loved many things about that trip, despite her exhaustion. Friends and music certainly make her feel alive, and dressing up for the concert added some extra fun 😉
• Last plane ride – Once school began in August, I had to switch gears a bit. Our plan was for her to continue some trips to NJ without me, and there was a quick direct flight there. Her sister graciously offered to meet her, but it turned into a struggle all the way around. Her pills were definitely not working as we hoped, and the side effects were fogging up her rational side. So, when she was there, I got some reports from her sister like you would from a babysitter. When I met her at the airport on her return, I knew immediately that all was not well. In fact, she had no suitcase, no phone, and no idea what was going on. It was scary, frustrating, and devastating for someone like her who is always on top of things. Clearly a turning point.
• Last trip to the hospital – A day or two later, I knew that we were facing a return to the hospital. It was beyond the care that I could provide. It was one of the more emotional decisions for me, and I leaned on her oncology team and family before escorting her back through the ER for the third time since her 50th birthday. It was her last time because after some tests, it was clear that what we were facing was a growing cancer and a lack of options, so the words ‘hospice’ and ‘palliative care’ came into reality.
• Last time with friends and family – I could write forever about the kindness and care of the hospice program here, but I want to share that we are surrounded by some very kind and loving friends and neighbors as well. Towards the end, I tried to schedule as many “lasts” with loved ones as she could handle each day. One long time friend flew in from Texas. Many friends that knew Jeanette from college to work answered my call and came to hang out by her bed or chair. We had one long night with her girlfriends, one chance for her grandmother to come, and our immediate families were constant support. In the end, everything has to end, and these lasts are hopefully memories that will last as well.

think P!nk for a final concert

Note: This is a slice of a story this month I’ve started calling Good Grief as a way to document some moments with my wife before she passed away in Sept 2023. Feel free to scroll back and see the rest of the story.